


Locker room talk

by Steena



Category: Transformers (Bay Movies), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Discussions of inappropriate use of humans, Explicit Language, Humor, I'm Going to Hell, Non graphic mentions of gory mishaps, Objectification
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 08:22:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21158564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Steena/pseuds/Steena
Summary: Locker room talk Decepticon style. Nitro Zeus is newly arrived on Earth, and Blackout takes it upon himself to tell Nitro all he knows of How To (and NOT to) Interface with Humans. Barricade overhears them. Severe objectification of humans. They're complete afts. So, very crackish xeno-talk.





	Locker room talk

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I should regret this, but I don't.

"You never tried one?" Blackout asked, sounding smug.

"I arrived on Earth this week, what do you think?" Nitro Zeus retorted with an optic roll.

"True. You should, though. I have two letters and a number for you to spell out why: H²O. They're _made_ of it! No matter what you pick; male or female, there's a whole lot of water in them, and that conducts electricity. They're like at leat 70% water, I think."

"Really?!"

They were so loud and annoying, Barricade couldn't help but overhear the two Fliers as they were jabbering in the washracks.

"Yeah, and the males have two holes to frag — or "fuck", as they say — and the females have three! Mouth is really wet, ass is dry without additional lube — and they have waterbased lube as well, so I can so recommend that. It's really slick, and smooth, and _so_ tight — and the additional hole on the females is called the cunt, and it can be wet as all pit or pretty dry depending on how well you play before you stick it in there." Blackout wasn't reluctant to share his knowledge. "The males have a spike-like thing too, the females don't, that's the other difference between the two frame types. "

"Better play good then! Who wouldn't want it sopping wet to cuntduct the overload?" Nitro Zeus leered.

Blackout started cackling at the bad pun.

_Ugh. They were so gross. The subject was gross too, but still a little bit intriguing..._

"I'll try one then. How do you find a willing one, or you just snatch some rando and frag it?"

"There's plenty of them, and sure, you could just grab one that catches your optic, but if you just snatch one and use it, they tend to get 'admitted'. I don't know exactly what that means, but it seems to be like some sort of prison, so there will be no second time with that particular one — I mean, there's always another one on the next corner, but they are fairly trainable, so having one several times has it's advantages, if you teach them what to do to make it feel good — because they tend to disappear. My research on the internet points to people claiming to have had sexual encounters with aliens are written off as 'crazy'. That's when they get admitted, or sometimes they just move into the wilderness, and start cults and stuff." Blackout explained.

"That's kind of xenophobic."

"I know. And there's another downside to just snatching a rando: they don't exactly cooperate. Their optics leak, and they're just all shaky, and whiny and generally terrible at making it feel good."

Barricade rolled his optics. He was the Decepticon who'd been on Earth longer than anyone else, and while not fond of humans, he at least could see why that wouldn't work. _But then again, Blackout was no scout, and hadn't spent a whole lot of time gathering information on the local organics._

"So, a willing one is better. How do I find one? I thought Lord Megatron said that we should stay under the radar for now."

"The trick is finding one who knows about us already. I know, there's not that many, but there's enough. The hardest part is to convince them that you're just there for some fun, even though you're a Decepticon. Most humans who know about us are affiliated to the Bots." Blackout explained.

"Bleh."

"Yeah, but a little research, and some careful inroductions, you'll find a horny little human that has no qualms about fucking Decepticons."

"I'm good at gathering intelligence." Nitro Zeus mused. "So, say I've found me a little fleshie who's cooperating. What do I do with it?"

"Depends. I mean, females mostly want it in the cunt, so make it really good for her, and she'll be back for seconds. They're generally easier than the males to convince to use their mouths too, but some males are equally eager. And fucking either in the ass may take some convincing. Come to think of it, males are often not that willing at all, they seem kind of prude as soon as I whip my spike out. There's a whole lot of 'I'm not like that!', I guess they're less liberated in the 'facing department, most females have no probs playing with a valve either, and a tiny, fleshy servo on the node is seriously sweet, and don't get me started on an arm inside the valve! They can target nodes like..." Blackout made an exaggerated come hither motion with his entire arm, earning an impressed nod from the Jet. "I'd say females are the funnier choice, if you're not into the screaming, and begging stuff. Easier to find a willing one. There's this army male who hangs out a lot with the Bots' Weapons specialist who's rumored to take it good, but I'm not tapping that."

"Maybe the males would be more interested in valve play? I mean, if they don't have a cunt I can frag, maybe they'd be more into playing with my valve instead? Is it possible to stick one inside entirely, let it use both their arms at once?"

Blackout was quiet for a few seconds, considering it, then he cracked up in a grin. "Perhaps. Can't hurt to try, right? I think they'll need oxygen now and then though, I guess. I'll ask next time I hit my little spikesleeve up. She's more into gettig it good in the cunt, though. Getting pretty decent at taking it too. And keep the lady happy, she asks for more, please, and thank you, Sir." 

"Give it good, get more. Got it. So how do I make it good?"

"First of all; they're _small_. You need to be careful, and you need to downsize your equipment really much. Trust me, you do not want to forget that. The results are... _Messy._"

Barricade cringed. _He could imagine, and as fun as he thought squishing Squishies could be, it did not turn his crank to get that kind of glop all over his frame. Especially not his finer parts._

"Vibration features are a great idea. And if you've got a glossa, use it for foreplay. Tongue fuck that little fleshie really good, and she'll be so wet, she short-circuits you."

Nitro Zeus cackled, waggling his glossa. "So, I need to go down in size, you say?"

Barricade saw how Blackout leaned over the divider wall between the stalls, looking down. _Ugh, seriously? Spike measuring contest?_

"Impressive for a mech your size." Blackout nodded, and Nitro Zeus leaned over to look at the Helo's equipment.

"Frag, that's _massive._" The Jet said, clearly impressed. "What's the mod at the base?"

"It vibrates. Made it for the fleshie initially, but it turns out Dreadbot _really_ likes it too." Blackout snickered. "But you really need to downsize like this. And better go too small the first time and scale up if your little spike sleeve asks for it. I usually sneak up the size while we're at it, and I don't know if my little female has noticed it yet, but she sure seems to like the stretch."

There was sounds of microtransformation, and Nitro Zeus kept staring at Blackout's junk. Barricade leaned out, curious despite himself. Not to see Blackout's spike, but what kind of adaptation would be necessary to fit in a Squishie. _Not that he was in the market..._

"That small?" Nitro Zeus sounded doubtful.

"Just the first time, to be sure. Make it good to get them to come back, remember? Too big doesn't get them to come back for more. Start out like this, and just ask if they want more. Especially if going for the ass. Smaller is definitely better for that for the first times."

Barricade stared as the big Helo turned a bit, and he caught a glimpse of Blackout's spike. _It looked ridiculously small for a mech that size, but then again, humans were really small..._

"Hey, short stuff" We didn't see you there behind the _half_-wall." Blackout called out to him, earning a laugh from Nitro Zeus. "See anything you like? It probably fits you now, wanna take a ride?"

Barricade grimaced. _Blackout was always such a crude bastard._

"I'm more of a spike mech. But if you want to bend over for me..."

"Bend over?! What are you going to do, hang from an overhead crane to reach?" Nitro Zeus cackled.

"Maybe he could stand on a stack of containers?" Blackout snickered. "Bet you'd need to size up to make me even feel you inside me."

"What, you're that loose?" Barricade retorted.

Nitro Zeus barked a laugh, but Blackout looked pissed off.

"Whatever. I think our height difference invites more to you giving me a blowjob anyway. Right now, you can probably fit it all in your intake, and you don't even need to kneel to be the right height."

"Like I'd want to suck your dick anyway." Barricade sneered.

"No, that's right, you have... _sensitivities."_ Blackout snickered, then he turned to Nitro Zeus. "He's kind of a prude. It's a shame, because his frame is easy on the optics for being a grounder." He stagewhispered.

Barricade didn't deign to answer and stepped back behind the wall to continue his shower. The other two went back to discussing facing with the organics.

"And make sure to redirect extra coolant to your equipment. They don't tolerate too high temperatures, and let me tell you, the stink of burnt labia really sticks to the olfactory sensors. Not to mention the screaming, and the abrupt halt to any 'facing for _days_ after something like that. Nope, not making that mistake again."

"I bet fried ass smells even worse." Nitro Zeus said, then they both burst out laughing.

_They were so gross. How could they ever find someone willing to interface with them?_

Dreadbot walked into the washracks at that moment, coming to a halt in front of the Fliers.

"This looks fun. I like that vibration feature of yours, Blackout, but that's a little on the small side for me. I think I'll start with one optic over here, and I'll get to you when we're done. Give you some time to fix that mini-thingy of yours to fit me."

Blackout snorted. "I can fix this quicker than you will be done."

Nitro Zeus cupped Dreadbot's aft and lifted him, Dreadbot wrapping his legs around the Jet's hips.

"Then just join us when you're done. I've more than one hole, you know."

"I know."

_Right..._


End file.
